Two Steps Forward One Step Back

So it's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote a blog. I've been waiting for the right moment. Truth is that there is no right moment, and perhaps the wrong moment is the best time. It makes you face up to things. I wanted nothing more than to write this blog entry saying how fantastic I've been doing, but that has not happened for me. The past two weeks have been so up and down. There have been too many bad days. After my last blog and last weigh in I felt in such a good place, I had picked myself up, lost 8lb in two weeks and I was motivated. It was a happy feeling that I was back on track. My husband was sticking by me when it came to meal times and that made life so much easier, there was less temptation. Less opportunity. I ate the best I had eaten in a long time, I kept it together for 5 days, 5 great days, I was proud of myself. I hadn't eaten anything that I shouldn't have, it was a great feeling. Then it was like I hit a brick wall. It was Easter Sunday. I have two young boys, who were showered with chocolates from our lovely family. Then it began. My boys were eating their chocolates and it was hard. I kept trying to ignore it. I kept fighting the urge to have some. The problem is that it made me want it more. I have always said that you should always have a little of what you like so you don't crave it and in my case then proceed to stuff for your face because you didn't have any and now want it more than ever. Maybe that's just me. But I wanted so badly to have a perfect week that I tried so hard to tell myself you don't need to eat that chocolate. It backfired on me, my urge to just have a night of nice food won. I was so disappointed in myself and down that it carried on for another few days. I don't know what's wrong with me. I make the same mistakes constantly and I never seem to learn. I give in to my urges too easily. I really honestly hand on heart want to lose weight, but it's like at times that I have no willpower and then I beat myself up over it which makes it even worse. I avoided going to my weigh in again last week. I knew that I had had a bad few days and didn't want to face up to it. Such a bad mistake. In my head it made me think, oh you can have another bad day if you're not going to get weighed. And that bad day turned into another bad day until the point I was running out of days to get myself back on track. I even considered stopping weighing in but I quickly sorted my head out because without weigh ins I knew there was only one outcome and that is weight gain. I don't want to put on weight. So after a somewhat bad time I had some better times and started to get back on track. I've not been perfect but I'm in a better place than I was last week. My husband says I am too hard on myself and that I am only human, maybe deep down I know he's right, but when you really want something and you mess it up, it's a gutting feeling. I have to learn to let go of my mistakes. I say this all the time, but it's hard. I feel like I go two steps forward and one back. I guess the positive thing I can take out of this is that at least I am moving forward. So tonight I will once more pick myself up and get on them scales and hope that my really good days have helped the bad. I will keep going, keep picking myself back up until I get where I want to be x NE x

Be Positive!

The last 10 days have been up and down for me, but generally very positive. At last week's weigh in, my first since pulling myself through some difficult weeks, I lost 5lbs and I was so happy. I drove home from my weigh in with the biggest smile on my face. I did it. I got back in the right headspace tracked my food and the results shown. Part of any journey in life means overcoming obstacles. It's not easy. It's hard but I got back to where I wanted and needed to be. If you're struggling with something surround yourself full of lovely people, be open and honest and believe in yourself. You will be surprised how your attitude changes. You can do anything you want to if you just put your mind to it. Be positive. You CAN do it. Changing something isn't always easy, sometimes it takes a lot of hard work, but I promise you it's worth it. I also learnt last week the importance of not judging yourself against others. I sometimes have people telling me and boasting how much weight they've lost and last week it really upset me. But I reminded myself, this is my journey and my journey alone. Noone can ever know exactly how you feel, how much you struggle and it is then I realised the truth in that you will never know what it is like to walk in someone else's footsteps. We may all have a collective goal, such as weight loss, we may all relate to issues that others have but we have to remind ourselves that we are all individuals and we don't go through exactly the same things. Don't get me wrong it's great to support each other, but it really upset me when people told me Ive lost more weight than you. People should encourage others, be positive with people, be supportive not brag. I have no doubt that these people struggle just as I do, weight loss is a constant battle but sometimes people need to be aware of how what they can say can upset others. I know that was not the true intention of the people, they were proud of what they achieved and I was the bigger person and said congratulations but I felt put down. There's ways of saying things and sometimes it doesn't come across as well as it should do. I am the first person to congratulate someone on what they have achieved but saying they beat me, I didn't like. It's not that I don't like losing, I just dont see this as a competition. This is my life, this is serious for me. I'm trying to change my life for the better and it is hard. This is my personal challenge and I am doing the best I can. So this knocked me a little. And I also had a day when I just wanted to cry. All the junk food in the world seemed overwhelmingly appealing and I just wanted it all. How did I overcome that? By being strong. It wasn't easy. I had to tell myself over and over I don't need to eat that, I can do this. I didn't give in. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves why we are doing what we are doing. Remind ourselves of our goals. You can achieve anything if you want it enough. I picture myself of how I want to look at the end of all this. I also have some inspirational quotes stuck on my fridge for when I need that little boost. I have my husband by my side who I can confide in when things are getting too much. It's important to have these little things in place. Little nets that keep us on the right track. Find what works for you. I also hate seeing that picture of myself at my biggest, that's another motivating factor. Putting things like this in place helps us to achieve great thing.  There will be difficult times and you need to find what helps you the best to overcome the hurdles. So that brings me up to yesterday, my second weigh in since getting back on the right track. I woke up in the morning feeling so happy and positive. I had had a good week and knew I had done well and was looking forward to my weigh in. This wasn't normal, I'm usually very nervous and this shows how far I've come. So last night I lost another 3lbs and I come down my 3rd stone bracket. I have lost 38.5lbs in total and I honestly can't believe what I have lost. I started my journey at a massive 19 stone 8 and I now weight 16 stone 11.5. I haven't been in the 16 bracket for roughly 3 years and it feels amazing. I know I have a long way to go and I know that this is one of the hardest things I have ever done but I believe in myself. Whatever life challenges you face, what ever brick walls you come against believe in yourself, you can achieve great things x NE x

Choices and Support

So it's Monday morning. I usually hate Monday's. My husband is back to work and I have to get up and out the door early with the boys. But today I feel peaceful and overwhelmingly happy. My eldest son is at school and my youngest is at preschool, my house is quiet and I have a chance to reflect on the past week. Getting back in the zone, with the right attitude after a few bad weeks was hard, but I am back on the right track and that makes me feel so happy. For me my battle is a hard one, every day I am faced with tough choices about what to eat, but having a positive mental attitude is key. I feel like I have been tested over the past few days, but I got through those tests. On Friday we went out as a family to dog racing to celebrate my youngest brother's birthday. Usually for me it's an excuse to eat what ever I want, but I didn't Knowing I was going out, I planned my points so I would have enough to enjoy my vegetable nuggets and chips. And again yesterday we went out for a family meal and I planned my food so I could tuck in and enjoy that stone baked pizza freshly cooked in one of my favourite restaurants. I could do so without guilt. Recently I had been eating over my points, tucking into a bar of chocolate or a takeaway and then I would feel terrible, but this week I got the balance right. For me, weight loss is not about completely cutting out the things you enjoy, it's about balance and choices. It's a healthy lifestyle. I don't think you can go through weight loss and avoid the nicer but unhealthier food. Maybe it's just me. But if I was to cut out all of the things I enjoy it would make me crave and desire them even more. It would set me back. So this week I tried to incorporate some of the bad things in with the good. I can't tell you how great it felt. Knowing that I had eaten well and could have treat with no guilt - just amazing. So if you are like me and enjoy the chocolate, the cakes, the takeaways, plan your food, eat healthy and you can enjoy that treat. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't as straightforward as that, it never is. When we were out on Friday there were lovely deserts, waffles ice cream and syrup, it looked amazing. I was tempted I am not going to lie. I have a sweet tooth and it is one of the many reasons I put on weight. I had to tell myself that I had had my treat for the day. I had to put the voices in my head to bed. I knew I couldn't and shouldn't have a dessert. Sometimes it's about inspiration. I had to tell myself I don't need to eat that. I can do this. I can get on them scales next week and lose weight. It's about basics. Reminding yourself why you are doing what you're doing. It's the same with any battle you face in life. Sometimes it can wear you down, sometimes you feel like you can't see the end, but I promise you with perseverance, hard work determination and remembering why you are on the journey, you will get there. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You can do it. It may not be a change you see overnight, it may take weeks or months or even years, but each little step should be celebrated. Change is not easy, but it is achievable. I cannot tell you just how happy I feel right now. I have come a million miles from where I was in November. I feel so much better about myself. I feel proud that I have got through a tough week and overcome some difficult personal hurdles for myself. I still have a long way to go but I know I can do this. Think about the satisfying feeling when you reach your goal, whatever it may be. That keeps me going. I have a little goal for myself. At nearly 20 stone I could never fit in a pair of jeans. My birthday is just a month away and I want to get in a pair of jeans again, instead of elasticated trousers and leggings, god I hate them things, but unfortunately the choices I had made previously meant that's all that would fit. How amazing is it going to feel when I pull on those jeans for the first time in more than four years. I can't wait. Find your motivation, find little goals to reach, remember why you are making good choices. Celebrate the little victories, you will get there. Also take time out for yourself, I was treated to having my nails done and my hair dyed. Little things like this make you feel good and have certainly gave me a confidence boost. It's not just about making the right choices with food, it's also about taking care of you. Addressing the problems, having time for yourself and doing something nice for yourself. I don't have money to spend on getting pampered but my lovely sister-in-law offered to paint my nails and my husband put my hair dye on which cost £1.49 and I absolutely love my new colour. I am thankful for those people who help me out in their own little ways. It's important to be around good people, who are there for you. Since I have made my battle vocal, I have had so much support and encouragement. I have had people telling me they can relate to what I am going through and people telling me I have inspired them. This means the world to me. When you're having a bad day, sometimes all you need is some kind words from someone. Please remember that. Support your family. Support your friends. Be kind to people. Smile at strangers. You might not realises just what that means to somebody x NE x

Highs and Lows

So I set off on my weight loss journey back in November. You will see from the photo on my previous blog that I got quite big. I don't think I ever realised just how big I got. It was easy to hide it. I don't have a mirror in my house so I could avoid looking at my body. Maybe the real reason I don't have a big mirror is for that reason, I would have had to see myself every day for what I truly had become. It's easy to hideaway. It's easy to pretend you're ok when you're really not. But that November was my turning point. You have to reach that point mentally to change. You've got to want it more than anything. The key to success for me is how much you want to go for your goal and you should never let anything stand in the way of your dreams. Don't get me wrong the road is never easy. There will always be bumps in the road but one thing I know is you need that passion and drive to get where you want to be. So highly motivated I began my journey. I knew what was at stake, my health, being an active part in my children's lives, feeling happy and content and ready to hear those words I love you and know they were meant for me and believing that I deserved them. I had abused my body, I didn't think I deserved love. How could my husband love me the way I was? To me I was disgusting. I know my husband loved me but I needed to change to feel loveable, it was my own issues. I wanted to live life again because life is too short and it really is to be lived. I had spent too long hiding in the shadows, it was easy to take a backseat in life. But that was wrong for me and my family. So my journey began with some success and even over the Christmas period I lost weight. It was only half a pound but to me that was a massive achievement. I think one of the hardest things about weight loss is the holiday seasons, birthdays and special occasions. They are times when food is extravagant, the Christmas meal, the chocolates, the cakes. But I did it. I got through Christmas losing weight. In previous Christmas's I would have gorged on chocolates for breakfast, followed by a big fat Christmas dinner and picked at snacks for the rest of the day. Last Christmas I didn't. I had one healthy Christmas dinner. And knowing that I had made a conscious choice to eat healthy that day was an amazing step. It would have been all to easy to give in with the cries of "but it's Christmas" but I didn't. Sometimes it's about the little victories. I can't tell you how amazing it felt to step on them scales after Christmas and I lost weight. You might say well it was only half a pound and I will say it's a loss, I'm damn proud of myself. Christmas is renowned for putting on weight. When I went for my weigh in, so many people had put on weight. They had mostly put on between 4 and 7 pounds. I didn't judge them, you should never judge another person. You never know what is going on in someone else's life. Noone knew what it was like to be me and what I was going through, I knew how hard it was to make conscious good decision every day. To choose between good and bad, when the bad is a temporary satisfaction. But I overcome my battle at Christmas and I will never forget that. I continued on my weight loss journey and every time I got on those scales on weigh in day I cannot tell you how amazing it felt to see the pounds come off. Whether it was 6lb or 1lb I was over the moon. My confidence increased, i started to feel happier. Clothes started to fit better. I started getting compliments and it felt great. I would have never taken them before but I knew I deserved them, I had worked damn hard for them. My battle with junk food is a battle I go through every day. I have to make a decision, do I eat that chocolate bar? Do I have a takeaway? I don't always win the battle and I have my bad days. When I do have bad days, they would make me feel so bad. And this is where I had got to recently. Over the last few months I had lost more than two stone. If you had asked me if I would have achieved that before November I would have told you it was a dream a million miles away but I did I got there. But then it was like I hit a brick wall. I started losing battles on a daily basis. I went backwards. I don't know what it was. Actually that's not true, I was stressed. Stress was one of my biggest triggers for comfort eating. I'm sure many of you can relate to me when I say you've had a bad day and all you want is comfort food or a drink. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I knew I had achieved so much and I was going backwards. But feeling that way made me worse, I was hard on myself and as a consequence my desire for junk food was increased. I avoided going to a couple of weigh ins because i knew the results would be bad. But my biggest mistake was not facing up to the struggle I was going through so I gave myself a reality check. I looked back on that hideous photo from November. I looked at how much weight I had lost overall. I was my biggest critic, my worst fan. I quickly realised that I was being too hard on myself. Yes I had dragged myself through the past four weeks having good days and bad days. But I'm only human we make mistakes. I think this made me realise that the path to success is picking yourself up when you've had a bad day and being able to put it behind you and move on. That's where I was going wrong, I couldn't let go of the guilt I felt. I know better now. Not only is a battle to make the right choices it's a battle to forgive yourself when you make a mistake. So giving myself a reality check and with the overwhelming support of my friends and family, who vocally encouraged me and had lovely things to say and who were there for me unconditionally I dragged myself back for my weigh ins. So after four weeks of struggling I got myself back on those scales. I had put two pounds on and some people might not understand that I was happy with that. How I felt I could have easily put on a stone.  So ddespite my struggles the good days had helped the bad. I was ready to start again. I had found my desire and motivation again. In the last month or so I have learnt that being hard on yourself can have devastating conseconsequences. So my message to you all is simple, we are all on our own journeys, we all face our own battles, but whatever life brings you should be proud of your good days, forgive yourself for the bad days and be proud of yourself for getting over the bad days. Life isn't easy x NE x

Time for Change

 

So here I am writing my first ever blog. It has been quite some journey to get here. You see, I've had weight issues for most of my life. I have never been a "skinny" girl, although when I met my husband I was in the best shape of my life. It's funny looking back then, I was unhappy with my weight, if only I knew that one day I would put on another 7 and a half stone. That's scary. Facing up to what I did to my body. In November 2014 I weighed nearly 20 stone. I always knew I needed to lose weight but I wasn't there mentally. I would pretend I was ok being big, it was just me, that's who I was, the big girl. But deep down it hurt, it hurt like mad. I always had intentions to lose weight but we all have our own personal battles, sometimes and more often than not, they are hidden from the world, for me my battle was and still is food. I have come a long way in being able to openly admit that and it is a new development that I am embracing. It has been a great help to me personally and this is one of the reasons I decided to write a blog. But last November I reached that defining moment. The one that makes you realise enough is enough and you can't continue the way you are. During the previous months I found myself eating more and more. I am a comfort eater and with the stresses of life I took to eating junk, I'm sure that everyone can relate to that. But it was a vicious circle, I was unhappy with my weight so I sought comfort from a coconut sponge cake or a large bar of chocolate. Then I would put on more weight, be more unhappy and eat more. I can hear people saying why would you do that and I can honestly say I don't know. It was my coping mechanism that turned into an obsession. I have to face up to things so I will admit towards the end I was eating whole cakes and just shoving them in my face. For that small moment I felt good, I enjoyed the sweet taste. But I never knew the reality of what I was doing. I was on a path to self-destruction. If I had continued the way I was I would have died an early death, that's the cold hard truth. I had abused my body. But even worse, I abused my life. Life is precious, it is for living. At nearly 20 stone I was not living life to the full I was running away from it. I became so ashamed at myself that I wanted to hide away from the world. I didn't want to go out and when I did I would be full of fake happy smiles. My weight, my obsession with junk food took over my entire life. It affected every relationship I had. My biggest wake up call was the impact my weight had on my family. It was like I wasn't part of the family anymore. My husband is really fit and active and we had always taken our boys to country parks and off out somewhere in the outdoors. I stopped taking part in family life. I would send my husband out with the kids and stay home alone. I struggled. I couldn't walk without getting out of breath. I missed out. Even worse my weight put a strain on my marriage. I stopped going out with my husband, I didn't feel loveable even though I was loved. I pushed my husband away because of my own insecurities. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. I realised there was only one thing I could do and that was to change, so I am trying. This is my journey and my battle with food x NE x