Time for Change

 

So here I am writing my first ever blog. It has been quite some journey to get here. You see, I've had weight issues for most of my life. I have never been a "skinny" girl, although when I met my husband I was in the best shape of my life. It's funny looking back then, I was unhappy with my weight, if only I knew that one day I would put on another 7 and a half stone. That's scary. Facing up to what I did to my body. In November 2014 I weighed nearly 20 stone. I always knew I needed to lose weight but I wasn't there mentally. I would pretend I was ok being big, it was just me, that's who I was, the big girl. But deep down it hurt, it hurt like mad. I always had intentions to lose weight but we all have our own personal battles, sometimes and more often than not, they are hidden from the world, for me my battle was and still is food. I have come a long way in being able to openly admit that and it is a new development that I am embracing. It has been a great help to me personally and this is one of the reasons I decided to write a blog. But last November I reached that defining moment. The one that makes you realise enough is enough and you can't continue the way you are. During the previous months I found myself eating more and more. I am a comfort eater and with the stresses of life I took to eating junk, I'm sure that everyone can relate to that. But it was a vicious circle, I was unhappy with my weight so I sought comfort from a coconut sponge cake or a large bar of chocolate. Then I would put on more weight, be more unhappy and eat more. I can hear people saying why would you do that and I can honestly say I don't know. It was my coping mechanism that turned into an obsession. I have to face up to things so I will admit towards the end I was eating whole cakes and just shoving them in my face. For that small moment I felt good, I enjoyed the sweet taste. But I never knew the reality of what I was doing. I was on a path to self-destruction. If I had continued the way I was I would have died an early death, that's the cold hard truth. I had abused my body. But even worse, I abused my life. Life is precious, it is for living. At nearly 20 stone I was not living life to the full I was running away from it. I became so ashamed at myself that I wanted to hide away from the world. I didn't want to go out and when I did I would be full of fake happy smiles. My weight, my obsession with junk food took over my entire life. It affected every relationship I had. My biggest wake up call was the impact my weight had on my family. It was like I wasn't part of the family anymore. My husband is really fit and active and we had always taken our boys to country parks and off out somewhere in the outdoors. I stopped taking part in family life. I would send my husband out with the kids and stay home alone. I struggled. I couldn't walk without getting out of breath. I missed out. Even worse my weight put a strain on my marriage. I stopped going out with my husband, I didn't feel loveable even though I was loved. I pushed my husband away because of my own insecurities. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. I realised there was only one thing I could do and that was to change, so I am trying. This is my journey and my battle with food x NE x