Highs and Lows

So I set off on my weight loss journey back in November. You will see from the photo on my previous blog that I got quite big. I don't think I ever realised just how big I got. It was easy to hide it. I don't have a mirror in my house so I could avoid looking at my body. Maybe the real reason I don't have a big mirror is for that reason, I would have had to see myself every day for what I truly had become. It's easy to hideaway. It's easy to pretend you're ok when you're really not. But that November was my turning point. You have to reach that point mentally to change. You've got to want it more than anything. The key to success for me is how much you want to go for your goal and you should never let anything stand in the way of your dreams. Don't get me wrong the road is never easy. There will always be bumps in the road but one thing I know is you need that passion and drive to get where you want to be. So highly motivated I began my journey. I knew what was at stake, my health, being an active part in my children's lives, feeling happy and content and ready to hear those words I love you and know they were meant for me and believing that I deserved them. I had abused my body, I didn't think I deserved love. How could my husband love me the way I was? To me I was disgusting. I know my husband loved me but I needed to change to feel loveable, it was my own issues. I wanted to live life again because life is too short and it really is to be lived. I had spent too long hiding in the shadows, it was easy to take a backseat in life. But that was wrong for me and my family. So my journey began with some success and even over the Christmas period I lost weight. It was only half a pound but to me that was a massive achievement. I think one of the hardest things about weight loss is the holiday seasons, birthdays and special occasions. They are times when food is extravagant, the Christmas meal, the chocolates, the cakes. But I did it. I got through Christmas losing weight. In previous Christmas's I would have gorged on chocolates for breakfast, followed by a big fat Christmas dinner and picked at snacks for the rest of the day. Last Christmas I didn't. I had one healthy Christmas dinner. And knowing that I had made a conscious choice to eat healthy that day was an amazing step. It would have been all to easy to give in with the cries of "but it's Christmas" but I didn't. Sometimes it's about the little victories. I can't tell you how amazing it felt to step on them scales after Christmas and I lost weight. You might say well it was only half a pound and I will say it's a loss, I'm damn proud of myself. Christmas is renowned for putting on weight. When I went for my weigh in, so many people had put on weight. They had mostly put on between 4 and 7 pounds. I didn't judge them, you should never judge another person. You never know what is going on in someone else's life. Noone knew what it was like to be me and what I was going through, I knew how hard it was to make conscious good decision every day. To choose between good and bad, when the bad is a temporary satisfaction. But I overcome my battle at Christmas and I will never forget that. I continued on my weight loss journey and every time I got on those scales on weigh in day I cannot tell you how amazing it felt to see the pounds come off. Whether it was 6lb or 1lb I was over the moon. My confidence increased, i started to feel happier. Clothes started to fit better. I started getting compliments and it felt great. I would have never taken them before but I knew I deserved them, I had worked damn hard for them. My battle with junk food is a battle I go through every day. I have to make a decision, do I eat that chocolate bar? Do I have a takeaway? I don't always win the battle and I have my bad days. When I do have bad days, they would make me feel so bad. And this is where I had got to recently. Over the last few months I had lost more than two stone. If you had asked me if I would have achieved that before November I would have told you it was a dream a million miles away but I did I got there. But then it was like I hit a brick wall. I started losing battles on a daily basis. I went backwards. I don't know what it was. Actually that's not true, I was stressed. Stress was one of my biggest triggers for comfort eating. I'm sure many of you can relate to me when I say you've had a bad day and all you want is comfort food or a drink. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I knew I had achieved so much and I was going backwards. But feeling that way made me worse, I was hard on myself and as a consequence my desire for junk food was increased. I avoided going to a couple of weigh ins because i knew the results would be bad. But my biggest mistake was not facing up to the struggle I was going through so I gave myself a reality check. I looked back on that hideous photo from November. I looked at how much weight I had lost overall. I was my biggest critic, my worst fan. I quickly realised that I was being too hard on myself. Yes I had dragged myself through the past four weeks having good days and bad days. But I'm only human we make mistakes. I think this made me realise that the path to success is picking yourself up when you've had a bad day and being able to put it behind you and move on. That's where I was going wrong, I couldn't let go of the guilt I felt. I know better now. Not only is a battle to make the right choices it's a battle to forgive yourself when you make a mistake. So giving myself a reality check and with the overwhelming support of my friends and family, who vocally encouraged me and had lovely things to say and who were there for me unconditionally I dragged myself back for my weigh ins. So after four weeks of struggling I got myself back on those scales. I had put two pounds on and some people might not understand that I was happy with that. How I felt I could have easily put on a stone.  So ddespite my struggles the good days had helped the bad. I was ready to start again. I had found my desire and motivation again. In the last month or so I have learnt that being hard on yourself can have devastating conseconsequences. So my message to you all is simple, we are all on our own journeys, we all face our own battles, but whatever life brings you should be proud of your good days, forgive yourself for the bad days and be proud of yourself for getting over the bad days. Life isn't easy x NE x